Star Trek: What If?
Saturday, May 23, 2009


Star Trek was an excellent movie. Saw it three times. Might see it a fourth time. Will definitely buy the DVD when it comes out.

I've been reading some of the commentary and fan fiction regarding this reboot of Star Trek.

I'm amused by the request for more women in the lead. Oh, but which type of women?

Oh, I see. Uhura wasn't enough for these folks. Was it because she wasn't a woman of the right hue?

I see through these people who are pretending to be nick picky with the movie. The film was re-introducing us to the same characters from the original television program, which was seven people at its core.

Oh, but room must be made for more women characters. If Uhura was a white chick with blond hair, like on every other bloody damn movie and television show, there wouldn't be that kind of whining demand coming down the pike.

These folks ain't nothing, but a bunch of greedy, narcissistic, and selfish wenches.

I've decided to outline my own version of this new Star Trek if it was written by, and for, the few people who appreciate and love Battlestar Galactica. That show's two hour pilot and first season was marvelous, then over the following years the quality, intelligence, and coherence rapidly goes down hill. Sorta like how Heroes, and Lost, suffered the same fate.

The following is a sarcastic fan fiction summary of what would have made those "oh, but more (white) women, please" whiners happy. Regardless of Star Trek canon, we must satisfy the demands for (white) women being stars of this story.

In case you haven't noticed, white women, especially anorexic blonds, are a necessary evil in every entertainment program today. Even though their last minute additions, or central characters, have no additional net positive effect on ratings.

Oh well, somebody's gotta promote that white supremacy.

You must be familiar with the recent movie Star Trek, and tv show BSG, to get some of my points.

1. When Nero encounters the USS Kelvin, Captain Robau is a woman. She would be brown-haired and white, not a very handsome and gorgeous Eastern brown-skinned actor.
   
2. If she was an alien like those in Star Trek: TNG, then she would be a (white) actress with a heavy ridged forehead and some tattoos.
   
3. Nero, the Romulan, doesn't kill her, he keeps her hostage. I'll state why later.
4. George Kirk doesn't get the glory in this re-write by those who require more (white) women characters. Nope. He's not even first officer. His pregnant wife, Winona, is. However, she makes George take her place on the suicide mission. This is to ensure that she receives all of the accolades for saving those 800 people, not George.
   
5. James Kirk is a woman in this reboot. He's been renamed Jaime, but still keeps Tiberius (as a middle name) to help keep it real. He, I mean she, would look the same, be much thinner, have a five o'clock shadow, square jaw, and be as obnoxious and promiscuous - which is a very important characteristic for a (white) woman leading character - as the original Kirk.
   
6. Yet, in this case, Jaime would be considered "hot", "kick-ass", a "blond beauty" for her masculine, aggressive, and manly ways. Jaime would have breasts (maybe). We'd know Jaime is a woman, because the crew would periodically refer to this character as "she." Oh, and by the way, everyone wants to do her, because Jaime has blue eyes and blond hair. That's always, always, always the case, and don't you fer-git-it! Why, even Uhura came onto her at that bar in Iowa!
7. Spock never re-assigns Uhura to the USS Enterprise. She would never be seen again since she'd disappear with the rest of the fleet that left before the Enterprise. He has no reaction to news of her death, thus making those greedy, narcissistic, and selfish wenches happy.
   
8. Instead, Gaila, the "green" chick, would be on the Enterprise. Ergo, she'd be the second hottest (white) woman on the ship after Jaime.
9. Tyler Perry makes his cameo dressed as Madea. This is the preferable way for a black woman to appear in the media, with a 6'4" black male ridiculously "acting" as one.
   
10. Sulu and Chekhov would be an openly gay couple, or Chekhov would be another (white) woman. Take your pick.
    
11. Spock obviously has the hots for Jaime, because they argue throughout the whole movie.
12. Nero still vaporizes Vulcan, but it is Spock's father, Sarek, who dies. His mother, Amanda, lives. Although he loses a planet of his people, he's not as upset as he is in the reboot movie version. Spock's mother is alive, therefore keeping another important (white) woman in the story.
13. Pike stays a man. Gotta have at least one dick in the lead. Unfortunately, he's held, Federation Security information is extracted, and he is promptly, grotesquely, and rather violently dispatched.
    
14. Spock and Jaime fight. Unsurprisely, the big bitch fights the Vulcan to a draw. It's possible, right? Haven't we seen enough BullShitGalore, and other entertainment, to know a female can beat a male even if he's a super-strong alien?
    
15. Nothing much changes in these scenes: Prime Spock meets Jaime Kirk. He says, "We were more than friends," and brain dumps their entire special, special history into Jaime's big ol' empty head, not just the time travel, black hole stuff. This also makes the mentally challenged shippers of Kirk/Spock very happy.
    
16. Entering the final stretch: Jaime Kirk and Spock are getting set to leave and save everyone. Yet, not before Jaime looks at Spock and says, "I know how you really feel about me." Cause everybody wants Jaime: Ms Blond Blue Eyed Super-thin Mannish Five-O'clock Shadow Square Jaw Hyper-Aggressive Can-Keep-Up-With-The-Boys Woman. She's just soooooooooooooo hot, and sexy.
    
17. Quickly, Spock and Jaime exchange open mouth slobbering wet drooly kisses, panting, groping, exchanging much spit, before they are transported to the Romulan ship.
    
18. They find out Pike is dead, and scrape up the pieces to bring back the body.
    
19. As an added bonus they find Captain Robau, who's pregnant with her umpteenth child.
    
20. Why is she pregnant? Following commonly ridiculous, absolutely stupid, and retarded sci-fi tropes, the Romulans decide they want / need / desire / lust / crave Earth (white) women to re-start their race. Although, in this case, it is not necessary, Romulus still exists. However, even though they may view humans as inferior, just one look at a (white) woman turns their pointy-eared heads. Remember, Romulans are the extremely passionate Vulcan-types.
    
21. The Enterprise beams all those half-Romulan/half-Human chil'ren on board. A hysterical Captain Robau, with her many chil'ren - some of who are adults and staffed the Romulan ship, watches as her man Nero gets sucked into a black hole, and blown to hell.
    
22. Quietly, she vows revenge on Jaime Kirk, providing the flimsy pretext for a sequel.
    
23. The film bombs at the theaters, but the die-hards tell themselves that no one appreciates quality (ha!) sci-fi movies.
    

See, how easy and predictable that was?

That's why most of these "put more (white) women" in the story demands are lame. It would just be the same stupid stuff polluting most multi-character stories.

Frankly, if they add another woman, make her Asian, I'd like to see how those wenches behave then.

Labels: Battlestar Galactica, Enterprise, Heroes, James T. Kirk, Lost, Spock, Star Trek, Uhura

posted by GoldenAh

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